The Screams Heard ‘Round the Parking Garage
Aside from my amazingly uneventful trip to NYC in June with my bestie, weird things happen to us when we travel. Actually, who am I kidding? Weird things happen to us all the time, it is just infinitely funnier in another city. Like the Airport Bathroom Incident on my way to Utah a few weeks ago when – instead of waiting for me, my carry-on, and my purse to exit first – a lady brought her carry-on, her purse, and her entire self into the bathroom stall WITH me. We stood eye to eye for several beats, our bodies flush against each other, as she huffed impatiently at my complete incompetence. “Uh…excuse me? I guess?” I mumbled as I squeezed past her…
5 Ways Toddlers are Terrifying
“I totally forgot what toddlers are like.” – me to my husband each time we have another toddler (…which is stupid because our kids aren’t even far enough apart for me to forget the craziness of toddlerhood, yet here we are.) The good news is, our current toddler is a minutely reminder of ups and downs of this stage. Here are a few of the things I forgot about toddlers.
Wildly Toddlerpropriate
“Teach them appropriate names for body parts,” they said. “They’ll be more empowered,” they said. You know what they didn’t say? That a two year old yelling about his penis in a crowded public area is incredibly awkward. Even more awkward is when you’re trying on clothes in a dressing room with running commentary in the background. 1st Favorite Son: “You look beautiful, my lady.” (?!?) 3rd Favorite Son: “MOMMY I SEE YOUR PENIS.” …yep. Have I mentioned that my two year old suffers from Megaphone Voice? (He comes by it honestly, but still.) Couple things. I do not have a penis. Nor did he see any body part remotely resembling one.…
From My Mouth Hole to Your Ear Balls
Something I haven’t posted about recently is both my Google history and things we’ve said aloud to our children. So let’s remedy the latter because KIDS ARE CRAY. These are words that actually left our mouth holes recently: (Can you tell we have a house full of testosterone?) why is there a booger on the wall? whose booger is this? don’t put grapes between your toes. bug catchers are for bugs. please don’t put your penis in it. why is your underwear on the mantel? stop tooting in his face. we don’t toot in people’s faces. is that pancake in your ear? when is that from?? life lesson: don’t toot while you’re not wearing…
Sexy Eyebrows & Pumpkin Patch Portraits
What in the heck is up with Halloween these days? The boys and I went on a walk around the neighborhood the other day and came up to a house with a bloody corpse hanging from a noose on their tree. Like….really? Really really? “Mommy, what’s that?” “That, buddy, is poor judgment.” And costumes these days?? That’s a joke, right? In my extensive Google search for “Halloween costumes for chubby babies” (true story), I came across the following real-life, available-for-purchase costumes: Sexy Olaf Sexy Marshmallow Man Sexy Garbage Truck Driver Are we that desperate to show off our ta-tas, American women? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PEOPLE. You’re ruining costumes for everyone. This has…
Pre-Planned Encouragement
My new go-to phrase when meeting someone with both kids in tow is “We’re comin in hot.” I often use it as a warning, like, “Yes, we’re almost to your house but both kids are screaming bloody murder and I have to pee immediately upon entering your home.” A few weeks ago, we “came in hot” to Bath & Body Works. It dawned on me that it was the last day of preschool and I hadn’t done anything for Beckett’s teachers. Despite my better judgment, I unloaded both kids into a store with thousands upon thousands of brightly colored toddler magnets. We were only in the store for about 5…
Play-Doh Therapy
RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) is the gift that keeps on giving, apparently. My boys contracted it several weeks ago which is old news…except it’s the fun kind of virus where just when you think it’s gone, it morphs into something else. It’s been a vicious cycle of grossness ’round these parts, which is why I rocked my Warby Parker glasses recently. This is a conversation I had with my eye doctor during my emergency appointment, compliments of “broken eyeballs” (the words I actually used to describe the reason for my visit…because I’m 12): Doctor: Wow, yea. Your eyes are super red. Me: (Drr. That’s why I’m here.) Doctor: Have your…
Subway Truths & Other “I seriously just said that” Toddler Moments
I picked the worst table at Subway yesterday. We ended up at the one sitting pretty much in the middle of the restaurant. The people waiting to order are standing so close the table you’re nervous about elbowing them as you dive into your footlong meatball sub. So when Beckett piped up in that little high-pitched voice that carries as well as his momma’s, everyone within 10 feet could hear. He looked at something, pointed, and yelled, “MOMMY – WHY THAT MAN COLORED LIKE DAT?” (And for the record he didn’t say “dat”. He named an animal of the same coloring that I refuse to type out. It still makes…
“Don’t slap your face with the bread.”
“I’m not gonna lie…your belly button creeps me out.” – my brother. Just one of the special moments we shared over Thanksgiving. Parent instructions. No amount of parenting books can prepare you for the random battles you’ll face with a young child. Like the yellow train needing to go before the red train. No, not THAT yellow train, the OTHER yellow one that looks identical to the one you just held up. {insert hysteria} You also have to say a lot of things out loud that you never imagined needing to specify. Like when we had to say, “Don’t slap your face with the bread.” out loud at dinner a few…
Kansas Extravangaza: 2 Parts Fantastic, 7 Parts Terrible
If you ever need advice on how not to take a vacation, hit me up. I’m your girl. My family is really, really good at taking bad trips. A little over a year ago was the beach trip from hell. You might wonder what could go wrong at the beach with the ones you love. Apparently everything. Jogging into fishing lines, hitting deer on the way to church, strep throat, ear infections, stomach bugs…you name it. What better way to commemorate that special time than to replicate it a year later? Just trade in those sunny skies and sandy beaches for some crisp, fall weather and grandparents. Just me, my…
