Attention Deficit Mom Disorder
Yesterday I did that thing where I put a kid in time out, forgot I put him in time out, and stumbled across him much, much later. He was all, “Mommy, can I come out now?” I replied with, “Have you had enough time to think about what you did?” (Also, could you be a dear and remind me what it was? Because it’s been long enough I forgot.)
Attempted Murder of a Matchmaker
Sunday night I went upstairs to pull a “Love You Forever” after the boys were in bed. Instead of climbing a ladder and breaking into their window like a freak (how did that seem so normal reading it as a kid?), I opted for the stairs. As I reached the top landing, a blast of heat hit me in the face. No, not a raging inferno. Worse. A broken AC unit in the middle of summer. You know, summer in Texas, the 3 (to 6) months of the year the state tries to burn its residents alive. #thanksobama I grabbed the boys and brought them downstairs, along with a crib mattress and a pack-n-play.…
Sock Bandit & Costume Roundup
The face of a little boy that tried to eat a snail*. And a wood chip. And an acorn. And smashed bug guts. The great outdoors are fun, aren’t they? (*picture taken by the mom who actually debated for a few seconds between messing up freshly painted nails or digging the snail out. #boymompropz) Sock Bandit When Beckett was about a year old, he developed a love affair with the Swiffer. Like, would whine and cry to play with it at play dates, instead of the thousands of mom-tested, kid-approved toys in front of him. Hutton is following suit. Not with a Swiffer, but something equally as awkward: socks. All shapes and…
Sexy Eyebrows & Pumpkin Patch Portraits
What in the heck is up with Halloween these days? The boys and I went on a walk around the neighborhood the other day and came up to a house with a bloody corpse hanging from a noose on their tree. Like….really? Really really? “Mommy, what’s that?” “That, buddy, is poor judgment.” And costumes these days?? That’s a joke, right? In my extensive Google search for “Halloween costumes for chubby babies” (true story), I came across the following real-life, available-for-purchase costumes: Sexy Olaf Sexy Marshmallow Man Sexy Garbage Truck Driver Are we that desperate to show off our ta-tas, American women? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PEOPLE. You’re ruining costumes for everyone. This has…
Assisted Treating & Zoo on the Loose
I dropped B-boy off at school the other day and planned to come home and clean. You cannot even imagine how gross this house had gotten. I’m not really sure what happened, but somehow my car drove straight to the pedicure place instead. By way of the donut shop. The donut shop and then the pedicure place. Fine, I am sure what happened. Treat yo’ self, you guys. A book proposal, Halloween, 7th grade sleepover, and a zoo trip down…I justified an hour of R&R. And donuts. Don’t judge me. Listen…I know that we’re well into Christmas season (looking at you, Starbucks red cups), but let’s slow our roll. I…
The Legend of the Roller Coaster
I love fall. So, so much. I love the weather and the soups and the festivities. I love that we, the American people, have a unhealthy obsession with pumpkin-flavoring. Pies, lattes, M&Ms, cookies, soups…name the food, it’s been pumpkined. And I buy it all. This month in particular takes me back to a time I’ll never forget: the legendary costume fail of October 2010. I could get into the whole back story behind this particular October, but all you really need to know is that we had started a new class at church that combined single and newly married folk – re-branded as a “Young Adults” class. The way we…
The Peanut Gallery
I don’t want to oversell it, but I’m pretty sure I found a way to survive toddlerhood that doesn’t involve momtinis at 10am. For those of you precious souls who have conveniently forgotten what it’s like in the trenches and are saying to yourself (or planning to comment on here), “Treasure every moment.” or “They’re just developing their little personalities!”…let’s take a trip down memory lane to some moments that exhausted toddler moms have a hard time treasuring. Noodle Limbs. Do you know the 2 most humiliating places to be?1. Holding a leash with a pooping dog attached.2. Holding the hand of toddler in public whose limbs have mysteriously* all…
PTSD & Characters
Post-Traumatic… How did I end up with an incredibly easy baby and a super high-maintenance dog? I mean, really. Come on. Mack has started doing this really cool thing where he sneaks off to a quiet corner of the house to tremble. I find him under the kitchen table, behind the rocker in the nursery, or on our bed. Just sitting there. Shaking uncontrollably. Something horrifying probably happened that day to freak him out, like my cooking on the stove, turning the bath water on, or dropping something on the tile floor. These may seem like normal, every day occurrences to you, but to my 70 pound lab they…
Spooky Hymns & Spooky Costumes
In regards to my recent post about odd holiday traditions, I apparently meant “birdshot”, not “buckshot”. I still maintain that neither is normal to find in Thanksgiving food. Now that we’ve cleared that up…on to a spooky post. Spooky Hymns Have you heard the hymn “They’ll Know We Are Christians/We Are One in the Spirit“? I heard it for the first time recently. It’s very creepy. Creepy enough that I publicly claim it as my theme song if I am ever put in charge of organizing a religious human sacrifice. (I don’t foresee this being a possibility, obviously due to my lack of credentials in the area, but stranger things…
Resurrecting Bugs & Halloween Costume Failure
This post is in honor of this ghoulish Halloween evening… Side note: does anyone else pronounce it “Holloween”? I need backup. Resurrecting Bugs Once upon a time (last week), I was running through Bob Eden park at dusk. The sun was setting, the swamp creatures were out, and I was gasping for air during my grueling 1.5 mile run. During one gasp of oxygen, a plump (perhaps “big-boned”) flying insect made a dive straight into my windpipe. I gagged a little, coughed quite a bit, swallowed even more until that bug went down. Now, kids, this is when the story gets scary… I continued on my jog through the park…
