Growing Tattoos
The invitation to appear on Ellen should be coming any day now. We’ll walk on set, greeted by Isaiah Mustafa and all of the Old Spice team. Ellen, Isaiah, and the man holding a giant cardboard check will gift us with a lifetime supply of deodorant and a $50,000 college scholarship for our gifted 4 year old. Let me start from the beginning.
Learning to Breathe
Can you hear that? It’s the sound of a silent house. All my kids are at school or preschool right now, and I have 5 solid hours of pure, uninterrupted, blissful, solitary laziness for the first time in almost 7 years. I’m sure when my kids are grown and my house is always silent I will miss the noise. But today? I am savoring every tick of the clock I didn’t even know made audible noise until this moment.
The First Rule of Muscle Club…
It’s a hard thing, talking to your children about healthy friendships. On one hand, we love everybody, we respect people, and we are always kind. It’s what we do. On the other hand, some kids just aren’t nice to be around. Some kids are straight up mean. And while that’s probably more on their parents than them at this point, balancing grace and protection is hard.
Learning How to Send a Kid To School
Sitting in a circle of parents during the kindergarten tour, we listened as the principal introduced us to the elementary school. He covered everything from the school’s mission to flexible seating in the classrooms to the longitudinal effects of reading to your children. He asked for questions and several hands shot up; each one a great, high level question. “Tell us about the school’s curriculum goals for the next 5 years.” “How will you challenge my student at her level?” “How do you promote physical health and exercise to the students?” “Walk us through the campus safety plan.” Good questions, good answers. “Anything else I didn’t answer?” he asks. Well, yes, I thought. Only about a billion. For instance, sir,
5 Ways Toddlers are Terrifying
“I totally forgot what toddlers are like.” – me to my husband each time we have another toddler (…which is stupid because our kids aren’t even far enough apart for me to forget the craziness of toddlerhood, yet here we are.) The good news is, our current toddler is a minutely reminder of ups and downs of this stage. Here are a few of the things I forgot about toddlers.
Dear Tooth Fairy, I Want a Refund
If I’m blogging chronologically, I should start with the Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Let Your Kids Have Snow Cones Right Before A One Hour Night Of Worship At Church, because that was a thing last night. Suffice it to say, little boys hyped up on sugar and Red Dye #40 worship very differently than their fellow churchgoers. Worship the Lord with karate kicks, come before him with audible toots. Anyway. In other news, Beckett got his first ever loose tooth.
Finding (or, rather, “Protecting”) Joy in the Little Years
This week, I get to spend time with moms of preschoolers speaking on the topic “Finding Joy in the Little Years”. As I was preparing for the lesson, I remembered the time a while back when I had to break up with a Facebook group. It was a group full of moms swapping parenting stories, pictures, and experiences. When the group first started, it started out awesome – great stories of epic mom fails. Of kids being hilariously kid-like. Over time, however, it morphed into a place to air grievances. A place to wallow on the unfairness of it all.
Another One Bites the Dust
“HOW DO THESE THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO YOU?! I’m being totally serious–you are a completely engaged, capable, attentive mom–and yet?!?” – my friend Aimee. Also, probably my husband. There’s a list of about 5 establishments our family should never enter again. Due to unforeseen bathroom emergencies, we should never again step foot inside the Kroger pharmacy, Panera Bread, King Wok II, Rosa’s Tortilla Factory, or Braum’s. It’d been a while since we’ve disgraced ourselves publicly with a banishable offense, so we were probably due.
My BFF, the 3 Year Old
My very best friend turns 3 today! (Well, one of my best friends. Easily top 4.) If you’ve never had a 3 year old best friend, you’re missing out. They are a riot. They’re messy and unpredictable, too, but mostly just fun.
Dear Sons, She Doesn’t Mean You.
In 7th grade, as I perused bedding sets at JCPenny with my mom, a 40+ year old male employee waited for her to be out of earshot before he turned to me and said, “You could buy new sheets…or you could just come home and share my queen size bed with me instead.” In 9th grade, as I was waiting for my food at the counter at Taco Bell, an employee stuck his hand completely down my shirt and groped me. In 11th grade, as I was scrolling MySpace on my computer, a man walked into the garage of my parent’s home during a yard sale and said, “You got any naughty pictures of yourself on there?…
