#Socialing with the End in Mind (+ questions that can help get us there)

One of the questions I hear most from parents in my social media trainings is, “But why do they do that?” (“That” being one of 80-kazillion social media irritants: Snapchat streaks, selfies, spam accounts, 90-minute Instagram caption deliberations.)

Fair question, but I think a better one is:

Have you challenged them to do it differently?

Are we all just frustrated by these things, or are we encouraging our kids to do it better?

Are we worrying or equipping?

Big difference, right?

• • •

Social media is often viewed as an Unapproachable Subject.

It’s too big of a deal now. The kids are too invested. It is too confusing.

Where do you even start to tame a beast like that?

Sometimes we try to tame by controlling every aspect of it. (We can’t.)

Sometimes we try to tame by ignoring it and pretending it’ll work itself out. (It won’t.)

Here’s what I firmly believe:

We will not figure it out.

It will not be adults who get this right.

It will not be regulations, it will not be Facebook rants, it will not be helicopter parents who control it into submission.

We will not figure social media out for our kids.

They will be the ones to do it.

As they grow and mature and experience life and relationships, there will be a tipping point with social media. It will feel increasingly burdensome and cheap. Social media will never go away, but the way we currently do it will.

It’s already happening – they know it doesn’t work well.

Ask your local teenager this question:

“Would you let your kids have Snapchat?”

9 times out of 10 the answer is no.

“No. Snapchat is the worst.”

“Definitely not. I hate it, but it’s where all my friends are so I have to be, too.”

Direct quotes from youths.

Does it surprise you to know that most of the things that drive you crazy about social media crazy drive teenagers crazy, too?

They don’t want to be tied to their phones any more than you want them to be, but they don’t always know what to do about it.

They feel anxiety, but don’t always have tools to manage it. They feel pressure, but don’t have ideas to ease it. They feel trapped, but can’t always see a way out.

Expecting them to make wise, healthy choices on their own is foolish. They’re kids. They don’t know how.

But also, maybe they don’t know they can.

And that’s where we, their biggest supporters and greatest fans, come in.

I’m amazed how much teenagers can do with a little encouragement. Encouragement to do things differently. Encouragement to ask tough questions and make brave, counter-cultural decisions.

Empowerment from someone who believes in them goes a long way.

• • •

Teaching at a retreat with some of my favorite youths recently, I unpacked this idea of “Endgame”. (Thank you, Marvel.)

What’s our endgame? Where are we headed? In friends, in sports, in dating, in school, online….what’s the goal?

(You know, visionary questions that often go unasked and, therefore, unanswered.)

We live so much life without thinking. We just….are.

We’re like the WALL-E people.

We aren’t making active decisions, we’re defaulting to the decisions being made around us.

(Because those are the options: either you make a decision, or one is made for you.)

We just get in our little chairs and follow the screens, posts, people, ideas, rules, and trends around us. And we’re often so distracted by our schedules and notifications and games and to-do lists that we don’t even notice. We never sit still and quiet long enough think about where we’re headed or why.

We live on autopilot, only to look up one day and realize we’re nowhere near where we wanted to be.

Junior high is over and all he has to show for it is killer Fortnite skills.

High school is done and the only impact she made is keeping Snapchat in business.

College is finished and….

5 years into marriage and….

{fill in the life stage here}

….are we where we wanted to be?

It’s not that we set out to blob our way through life, it’s that we don’t always make a plan not to.

Everything in life comes down to a decision.

Are we making good ones toward a good endgame?

Are we encouraging our kids to make good ones digitally as much as physically?

Are we helping them ask intentional, visionary questions?

What if we consistently asked questions like:

Are you posting about things that will matter one year from now? Five years from now? Ten?

What do you want to be known for? What impact do you want to make on the world? Do the things you post communicate that?

What would happen if you…

• stopped the Snapchat streaks?
• didn’t respond until tomorrow?
• deleted your social media apps on the weekends?
• didn’t sleep by your phone?
• posted about real life instead of the filtered, perfect one?
• only had one account?
• put your phone up while walking down the hall at school?
• joined a sports league with your friends instead of gaming all summer?

What would those choices do to your stress levels? What would those decisions do for your friend groups?

• • •

Our kids are the ones who will harness social media for good. They will do it. And can you imagine how much better and faster they could if we partnered with them?

Can you imagine what would happen if we challenged a room of our brightest, bravest, most influential students to do things differently?

Can you imagine what our schools would look like if every student had an adult encouraging and empowering and giving them permission to be different? To make an impact? To challenge the status quo?

It would change everything. And that is an exciting thought.