Dear Tooth Fairy, I Want a Refund

If I’m blogging chronologically, I should start with the Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Let Your Kids Have Snow Cones Right Before A One Hour Night Of Worship At Church, because that was a thing last night. Suffice it to say, little boys hyped up on sugar and Red Dye #40 worship very differently than their fellow churchgoers.

Worship the Lord with karate kicks, come before him with audible toots.

Anyway.

In other news,

Beckett got his first ever loose tooth.

This has become The Biggest Deal in the history of deals in our home.

Being the first time loose tooth parents that we are, we tried to pull it exactly 8 hours after its wobbliness was first discovered.

That was 3 weeks ago.

It finally came out last night.

……..3 entire weeks. That’s how long it took for the tooth to be ready, in case you needed some context for how premature and ineffective our earliest tying-the-tooth-to-a-nerf-bullet-with-dental-floss attempts were.

3 weeks is also how long this tooth thing has affected our daily lives. The rules of our home have changed to accommodate his journey.

During The Biggest Deal Ever, we were instructed to:

• not look directly at the tooth.
• only serve soft foods so as not to irritate the tooth.
• overreact upon the sight of apples. (such an offensive fruit for someone in a state of dental vulnerability.)
• inform everyone of importance (grandparents, teachers, classmates, friends, neighbors, Trader Joe’s cashiers, Pastor Rick, and mailmen) of the impending loss.

But now, thankfully, we are on the other side. The tooth has officially been lost.

We. made. it.

Let me state that during this time, we have also been informed of just how generous the Tooth Fairy is these days.

Beckett: “Seth got 3 LEGO sets and Graham got $20 and Ethan got a Rolex and Christian got to meet the Preside—“

Taylor: “I used to get a quarter.”

Me: “Daddy’s Tooth Fairy apparently hasn’t heard of inflation….but, still. He brings up a good point. (Also, thanks a lot, Seth.)”

The point is: this tooth has been a thing. For weeks.

Losing a tooth is a right of passage in KidLand. Comparable only to getting a driver’s license or graduating with a medical degree in neurosurgery.

So imagine Beckett’s excitement to go to bed last night, tooth tucked safely under his pillow in a Star Wars themed ziplock.

And then imagine his excitement (!!)

when he awoke this morning (!!!)

to find (!!!!!)

in place of his first ever lost tooth (!!!!!!)

……………………………………

……..are you ready for this??……….

nothing!

He found nothing.

Not. a. thing.

Due to an unforeseen bout of narcolepsy last night during an episode of Heartland on Netflix, this:

We forgot. Completely, totally forgot.

Slept our way through this monumental event in our firstborn’s life.

This is world’s okayest parenting at it’s finest.

But. Part of being a good parent is pivoting. Parenting is, like, 87% reactive, so good parents are good pivoters.

Which is why I pivoted by writing a note, sticking a dollar in it, shoving it really far into his pillow, and saying,

“There was nothing there?! Hmm. Are you sure? Sometimes the Tooth Fairy hides things super well. You should probably go check again.”

To which he replied, “Really?!?!” and then, before actually reading the paper – and still maintaining sky high expectations of the fairy’s generosity – held up the note and said,

“What does it say??? Maybe it’s a treasure map!!!!!”

The thing about kids is – they find magic in everything. We’re the ones that underestimate their imagination.

So it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that – even though our fairy’s budget didn’t include 7 LEGO Technic sets or a billion dollar trust fund or a treasure map,

1 single, delayed dollar bill from the Tooth Fairy

+ 7 additional dollars in a combination safe

+ 1 pair of Walmart alligator houseshoes

+ 1 trip to the boutique toy store Krô-gér

= 1 toothlessly ecstatic kid.

TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO KIDNAP HIM.

He is the absolute best.

Couple closing thoughts if you, too, are rusty on the rules of losing teeth:

1. Seeing the tiny little skull bone in your great big adult hand may cause spontaneous eye moisture.

2. The Tooth Fairy is supposed to replace the tooth with a surprise. I forgot this part, so now the Star Wars ziplock containing the tooth is taped to his wall.

*gag*

This bag is to be removed when – and only when – we are looking for a way to instantly ruin his childhood.

Parenting, man.

No one said it was easy but it sure is awesome.

We love this little snaggletooth so much more than our tooth fairyness skills demonstrate.