ISO: Reputable Artisans for Preggos

I posted a few months ago on the evolution of pregnancies because subsequent pregnancies are no joke. I’m only on pregnancy 3 and I already wonder how people on round 5+ function. Does their uterus stay inside of their body for the entirety of the pregnancy? Do they pee their pants daily? I stay awake at night wondering these things, but that’s neither here nor there.

I’m now 33 weeks pregnant and seriously contemplating starting my own goods/exchanges website.

We have Craigslist….we have Angie’s List…..but what we don’t have is Preggie’s List. (Genius, I know.)

Because let’s face it – third trimesterians could really benefit from specific goods and services. And not just from any ole provider. A reputable, dependable artisan who excels in their craft. (And possibly spoon-feeds baked goods while whispering encouraging statements about how those cankles are hardly noticeable – in fact, they’re rather slimming.)

I’m thankful to have a few people in my life who are both reputable and dependable like my happiness deliveryman (husband) who rushes out day or night to obtain my latest craving and my picker-upper (3 year old) who retrieves dropped items that my body won’t bend enough to get, but even they aren’t always as eager or available to help as I’d like.

Sometimes you gotta call in reinforcements.

Sometimes you need an artisan like…

…a leg barber.

Have you tried shaving the bottom half of your legs with a immovable basketball shoved up your shirt? It’s dang near impossible, which is why I could use a shaver of legs. Specifically, a lower-half-of-the-leg shaver.

And if said barber also offered a lotion application package those freshly shaven legs? #1 rating.

…a diaper assistant.

Imagine you are in a subsequent pregnancy, living in a house with an oversized toddler who – despite his size – is shockingly fast and agile.

Now imagine you are elbow-deep changing a dirty diaper and said toddler flips over and runs off naked. What do you do? Well, obviously you hop up and chase him before your house is covered in poop (even more than normal) except IMMEDIATE, DEBILITATING BRAXTON HICKS THE MOMENT YOU STAND UP.

You, my friend, have just been third trimestered.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could hire a diaper assistant to assist during diaper changes?

“Just hold his hands and ignore screaming. Here’s $5. Please and thank you.”

I’d pay for that.

…a WARDROBE MANAGER.

Let’s get real. I don’t mean a personal stylist. I mean someone who will come help you put your pants and underwear on (in the least creepy way possible). If your husband has already gone to work and you have yet to get dressed for the day, there are just some times those pelvic bones are NOT gonna cooperate.

“No, thanks. I’d rather put an incredible amount of painful pressure on your lady parts the second you try raising your leg a fraction of an inch. Good luck with that.”

Unless you want to go commando or pantsless (not recommended this late in the game), a “wardrobe manager” would be uh-maze-balls.

…a peace-and-calming spritzer.

You know that technique where you spray dogs in the face with water if they get too…excited? (Is it excited? Aggressive? I actually don’t know. This is a thing, right? If not, just go with it.)

I would pay someone to do that because hormonal pregnancy aggression like whoa. But instead of water, perhaps a spritz of a peace and calming oil concoction.

So when the man at the store says, “You still have 7 WEEKS?” the artisan spritzer can calm you in seconds with a whiff of peace.

Or when the random lady says, “Oh, bless your heart. I’m sorry. 3 boys will be so hard.” you can quickly be dialed down a notch.

“I’ll show you a hard tim –*magic spritz*– mmmm. What’s that smell? Never mind, you crazy, crazy lady.”

Spritzer, redirector, reiner-inner…whatever you want to call him/her, I need one.

…a proxy bladder.

Because I would really, really, really like to sleep through the night.

I bet there’s a huge market for proxy bladders. Women everywhere willing to pay silly amounts of cash money for someone else’s bladder to wake them up 4 times a night instead.

We need a person so deeply empathetic that his/her bladder acts as a stand-in for our own. Sounds legit to me.

Inquire within if you possess this gift.

Are you catching my drift? Can you envision my dream?

Preggie’s List could be a thing, you guys.

I’ll be working up a prototype from the comfort of my couch*. You’ll be the first to know when it’s up and running.

And if you’ll consider providing one of these services in the meantime, we’ll split the future profits of our online empire.

Please and thank you.

(*because #3. I haven’t been able to put on pants for DAYS. Just kidding. You hope.)