Black Friday & Granny Mags

It’s good to be alive.

We’ve had a very eventful week that had the potential to be the death of me. Beckett had his first flight (post to follow…sometime) and first road trip (6+ hours). My favorite event of the week, however, had to do with the craziness of Black Friday.

Black Friday

As mentioned in the post about buckshot/birdshot (or whatever kind of shot we try to find in our Thanksgiving food), we spent turkey day this year in the thriving metropolis of Pocahontas, Arkansas.

We kept seeing the ads for the deals at Walmart starting Thursday night at 10, so my aunt, uncle, cousins, mom, brother, and myself headed into town to see what we could find. More importantly, we wanted to see some hill folk come out and fight over tupperware.

The entire parking lot was full, as well as surrounding parking lots: banks, Subway, Cato’s (as found in every decent small town).

Once we parked and got inside, this is what we saw:

About 6500 people live in Pocahontas and around 8700 people were at Walmart on Thursday night. 2 minutes after walking in, one of the pallets got opened early and the scene that unfolded was a little embarrassing for the human race. People were shoving, some were yelling, and crock pots were literally flying through the air. It was insanity.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t make my mom hold on to the back of my sweater. I sure as heck wasn’t going to be that girl who got trampled to death on Black Friday.

My family fought our way through the masses to see all the deals, took a few breathers in the men’s underwear aisle (a surprisingly peaceful place that night), and ended up with a few treasures, including a $25 toy for Beckett that retails at $150.

Don’t think we left this extravaganza unscathed, though. My family never has normal adventures.

At some point during the night, I saw a bin of sippy cups that were $2. There were different age stages and colors of cups, so I was digging through one of the bins to find the right combination. And when I say digging, I mean both arms up to my elbows checking the very bottom of the display. While I’m mid-dig, this lady leans over to me and says:

Even though I left with vomit hands, it was even more hilarious than I had expected, especially because I talked my brother into shaving his facial hair for the occasion. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with my cart.

Oh, and also? The cups were not actually on sale. They were the every day low price of Walmart. Just in case you were wondering.

Granny Mags

I’m not sure if my Nanny has always had great stuff laying around or if I just haven’t paid attention before, but I found some real gems this week in one of her catalogs.

It’s sort of a Sky Mall meets AARP vibe.

First off, we have the Escape Hammer. Who doesn’t need to escape from “a dangerous vehicle” every now and again?

Then the Weight Loss Ring. If I knew losing weight was as easy as wearing an ugly ring, I would have signed up a while ago.

Probably my favorite: the Beauty Mask. If you notice, the beauty mask actually zips over your face to protect your make up. The model appears to be going to bed…is that an appropriate time for make up protection? (That’s assuming a lot, like there is ever an appropriate time for such a mask.)

The Powerful Personal Megaphone. For those impromptu get-togethers. Or for a wife who’s husband refuses to get hearing aids. Or for those with great “inside” voices. Or for those doing any “summoning”.

The Great Hair Day, also known as hair powder. No one will ever be able to tell you’re balding. It’s sort of like the baby-powder-to-cover-oily-hair trick only much, much better. Please note that one color offering is “Salt & Pepper”.

The Shredder Scissors. These are much more efficient than cutting a few times with normal scissors. Plus, if you notice the description, they’re quiet and great for crafts. Well worth $12.99 + shipping and handling.

I’ll spare you from the sexy-time items found on the page with the lacy granny panties. Just use your imagination then multiply the gross factor times 10.

Now I know what you’ll be doing at your grandparent’s house next visit. In fact, call ahead to make sure they save their catalogs. They’re guaranteed to be entertaining.

We had a fabulous Thanksgiving.

Beckett met his great-grandparents (and cousins, uncles, aunts, fiances, etc):

The whole clan, plus a few bonus visitors.

And then this. A teaser of the greatest photo shoot of all time. More to come.

LYLAS, y’all.