Bonus Symptoms, Categories, & the Name!

There are so many things people don’t tell you about being pregnant. Sure, you hear about cravings and back aches, but I guarantee you haven’t heard of the million little ways carrying a baby blows up your body. Brenna the Schartz came to visit one day and we attempted to compile a list of random stuff that I want to document for future reference, if for no other reason than to laugh. If this were a “women’s only” channel, it would be much more exciting, but you can just ask me for the juicy details in person.

• General lack of oxygen
• Overall discomfort while sitting, standing, or laying down
• Unforeseen hiccups and/or burps in the middle of conversation
• Belly button taking on ghastly shapes
• Side cramps
• Nasal passage blockage
• Motor skills vanishing completely
• “Dropsies” – fingers and hands failing to hold anything for more than 2 seconds without dropping it
• Itchiness in odd places
• Freakishly weird, very detailed dreams
• Failure to sleep normally
• Hysterical outbursts at inopportune or ridiculous times (i.e. eating inside Joe T’s instead of on the patio)
• Burning balls of fire in the throat and chest area (also referred to as heartburn)
• Inability to form or finish a basic senten

Remember that show with Bill Cosby? I don’t know why we stop at kids. Adults say some darndesque things, too. Any time there is a major event (marriage, pregnancy, death, sickness…life in general), people feel the need to bestow wisdom, offer suggestions, etc.

I had a conversation with someone recently whose child had medical issues a while back. In order to deal with the weird comments people made to their family, they came up with categories of comments for comic relief. It was brilliant. We’ve started coming up with categories for our pregnancy so far. I’m sure we’ll have plenty to add once baby B is actually here. Until then, here are a few:

The Long-lost Relative
This is my favorite category. I’d imagine that getting pregnant is a lot like winning the lottery; all of the sudden, dozens of “family members” come out of the woodwork. Conversations of this nature often begin at church, with sweet old ladies who talk in the third person: “Ohhh I just can’t wait for this baby to meet his/her Auntie Sue!!!” It’s not really PC to retort with, “Ma’am, I really appreciate your passion for babies, but I’ve honestly never seen you in my life. You will not be my child’s aunt.”

The Weatherperson
This one is understandable (and even acceptable). Since we first found out in November that baby B would be born at the very end of August, people have always commented on precisely how hot I will be during the Texas summer. I have had 6 months of mental preparation for just how miserable I will be in the coming months. If you need me, I will be spending all of my time in a kiddie pool filled with ice in my front yard.

There is one off-shoot of the Weatherperson species that is less-than acceptable: the type that tells me how she had her baby in early June, that it was a record-high summer, and that she thought she was going to die of heat exhaustion. Not encouraging. Not encouraging at all.

The “Good luck”er
Certainly the worst category. It is probably best explained with a story.

Immediately after the gender sonogram, Taylor and I had to meet with the health benefits coordinator. We walk to her office straight from finding out we were having a boy, so we still have mega-grins plastered on our faces while we sit and try to focus. She asks what we’re having, we tell her a boy, and she says, “Oh, well good luck with that. If I’d had my boy first, there’s no way I would have had other kids.” Seriously?

Let’s all vow two things:
1. Don’t react violently once you’ve heard the gender of someone’s baby. Even if your boy is a punk or your girl is a diva, keep it to yourself.
2. Don’t react violently once you’ve heard the final chosen name for someone’s baby.

What a great segue…

I have had a girl’s name picked out since about week 2. Boy names have been much harder for Taylor and I. For some reason, we have severely failed to agree. I wanted something different to combat my experience with what seemed like 16 Sarah’s in my class in elementary school, he wanted something traditional so people wouldn’t gawk or mispronounce his name easily. How can you compromise when one person wants “Wolfgang” and the other wants “Donald”? (Neither of those was in the running…just to clarify)

Alas, after 2 books of names, several rounds of eliminations, and final cumulative averaging, we have decided on a name: