5 Ways Toddlers are Terrifying

“I totally forgot what toddlers are like.”

– me to my husband each time we have another toddler

(…which is stupid because our kids aren’t even far enough apart for me to forget the craziness of toddlerhood, yet here we are.)

The good news is, our current toddler is a minutely reminder of ups and downs of this stage.

Here are a few of the things I forgot about toddlers.

1. toddlers are frighteningly emotional.

i.e. National Donut Day at Krispy Kreme.

Toddler insists on sprinkle donut.

Sprinkles fall off donut.

Toddler loses all ability to function.

I honestly wasn’t sure he would recover without medication.

……until I asked if he wanted milk. Then he was totally fine.

Toddler emotions are scary, as is toddler reasoning.

2. toddlers are incredibly irrational.

We spent a good 5 minutes crying over the fact that this shoe couldn’t call Dada.

And don’t even get him started on that time I failed to get all the banana “poop” off before handing it to him.

To be fair, while toddlers ARE incredibly illogical, sometimes their illogicality borders on creativity.

For instance, don’t want to carry an entire book around?

Tear off the page you want to look at and throw the rest on the ground.

Makes perfect sense. To a toddler.

(Every time I scan our library card, I expect an error message to pop up on the screen and a small, elderly woman named Louise to walk up. “Excuse me, ma’am?” she’ll say, as she adjusts her bifocals. “Your account has been flagged for misuse of books. According to our records, over two thirds of the books you return have been repaired – poorly, I might add – with Scotch tape.” 

Hasn’t happened yet, but there’s still time.)

3. toddlers are always hungry.

Starving for ‘nacks* all day, errryday.

*And by snacks I mean anything resembling food.

Like fabric softener.

Or packing peanuts.

Or deodorant.

They really never stop eating both food and non-food items.

4. toddlers are wildly destructive.

I made a sensory bin recently.

After carefully researching and searching Pinterest for the best, most educational bin, I found the perfect recipe.

To save you time and energy, I’ll pass it along to you for free:

 

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DIY Sensory Bin Instructions:

Step 1:  N O P E.

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That’s it. There’s only one step.

If you’re considering a sensory bin, no. Just nope.

I know this. I KNOW how ridiculous a sensory bin is, yet the 384lb bag of dried Sam’s Club pinto beans tempted me. They looked so fun. So I did it. I made the stupid bin.

And then toddlers.

Words cannot express how many beans are in a Sam’s econosize bag. Suffice it to say, I found them in the dryer, in the fridge, in a diaper, next to my toothpaste, and in my bra.

Toddlers are destructive enough on their own. They certainly don’t need ammunition.

Just nope.

5. toddlers are very independent.

Did you know that toddlers don’t need help with anything? Ever?

It’s true.

My toddler can change his own diaper!

In fact, he changes it during almost every nap time!!

Especially after he poops in it!!!

He still has a *little* ways to go with his motor skills before he can effectively change himself, but I certainly don’t want to discourage him.

Let children take the lead and all that. Child-led parenting, you know?

So instead of discouraging his little heart….

…..I duct-tape the crap out of his bottom half.

If duct tape isn’t nearby, I put his diaper on backwards.

He may be illogical and he may be destructive, but what is not – yet – is skilled in inverse diaper changes.

(It’s quite a genius hack that I feel really good about until – due to a comedy of errors in the parking lot – I present him to his Bible school teachers pantless, backwards, and without a spare diaper. #sorry)

Toddlers are so spooky.

But.

Though they be in a constant state of fragility, moments away from a complete unraveling, they are also HIL-ARIOUS.

And really, stupidly cute.

I’ll keep you, you little weirdo.

You’re kind of my best friend.