The Invisible Mom
May 10, 2017
I can count on one hand the amount of times in my 5 1/2 years of parenting that I’ve asked my husband to come home from work early to SAVE OUR SHIP, and that is one. One time.
This morning, within the span of the 15 minutes between 8:45-9:00 AM,
one child pulled an egg out of the refrigerator and egged the back door
one peed his pants
one drew a masterpiece with a blue sharpie on a white door
one threw the baby monitor into the toilet
one thought 15 gallons was an appropriate amount of water to clean aforementioned blue sharpie while another thought dumping said water would help get the floor clean
and one was spanking me with a snorkel while I made the SOS call.
I only had 3 kids at last headcount, but there’s a good chance they multiplied when I wasn’t looking.
After I talked to my husband and before he came home, one child put a toy down the shower drain, one spiked and shattered my favorite coffee mug, and one bent the preschool pictures I spent their college fund paying for.
If you could see my house right now, you’d call FEMA to have a disaster zone declared. (Or the CDC. They might have interest in the species of fungi growing in the carseat cupholders.)
It’s not that I haven’t done the dishes today, it’s that I haven’t done them again. Same with the laundry. It’s amazing how many clothes 3 tiny humans can go through in any given day. (And I’m VERY generous with my stain limits. We need at least 7 on that shirt before we’re changing.)
If I were to make a Realistic Family Photo Album, it would look like this:
this is my toddler crying because I wouldn’t let him have any of this juice
this is my toddler about to slap an orange out of my hand because he’s furious it broke apart and can’t be put back together
this is when my oldest gave himself a haircut with nose hair trimming scissors
this is me trying to have “quiet” time
(The more pictures I dig up, the more I realize this would actually make an incredible photo album. What started as a joke is now morphing into a necessity in my mind.)
There is so much about motherhood than no one sees.
No one follows you around and compliments the way you used a creative consequence instead of yelling.
No one applauds when you shower with one kid underfoot or use the bathroom with another on your lap.
No one high-fives you for playing peek-a-boo 894 times in a row.
Momming is hard work, with little to no verbal affirmation.
And in a culture where we love us some public Facebook accolades, it can be isolating.
We see the post of that girl’s husband bringing her flowers “just because”. We see the picture of the mom who was sent to an all-inclusive spa resort for the weekend. We see the family with the nanny that comes in 3x a week. We see the friend whose parents live 2 doors down and are able to come by and pitch in 24/7.
When that’s not our story, it’s easy to feel invisible. And overwhelmed.
It’s also easy for invisibility to morph into either discouragement or bitterness.
This isn’t a new feeling.
There’s a story in Genesis 16 about a mom named Hagar who felt this way. She was done. Completely. No light at the end of the tunnel, no husband to call and have come home from work.
(In fact, she was in a polygamist situation gone bad – a victim of others’ poor decisions. So. She was infinitely worse off than any of us, but since I know nothing about that culture, let’s skip over that part for now.)
Hagar was dejected enough to run away – alone – to a desert.
It was here, in her fear and loneliness that God found her. He sent an angel to her.
“The angel of the Lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. He said, ‘…. You will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means ‘God hears’), for the Lord has heard your cry of distress.'” (v 7,9)
Hagar then replies with one of my favorite proclamations,
“You are the God who sees me. I have now seen the One who sees me.”
When she thought she was at her most invisible, God sought her out.
Her story wasn’t immediately wrapped up in a neat little package, as it’s often not today. She still had a long road ahead of her.
But God was there. He heard her cries. He saw her.
And, hey! GOOD NEWS!
His eyes still work today.
Sometimes he sends an angel to comfort, sometimes he sends a text from a friend.
Sometimes he shows up through a child stopping and saying, “I lub you, mama.”
Sometimes he loves us through a spouse that comes home in the middle of the day to give us a break.
Our goal as moms isn’t to receive applauds. And we need to quit measuring our success by how Instagram-worthy our lives are. Or how many times our husbands notice all of our hard work without our pointing it out first. That’s called “entitlement” and that not only gets us nowhere, it is toxic to our homes.
Our goal isn’t to receive accolades.
We are also not invisible.
We are seen by the same God who formed the universe and who knit our children together. The one who created the heavens and who knew our middle child would love avocados.
He sees us where we are, as we are.
Whether you are a mom in the sticky chaos of Tiny Human Land, a mom wading through the trenches of teenage hormones, an empty nester encouraging your bone-weary daughters and loving on your grandkids, or a future mama reading this and planning ahead about how high to put eggs in a refrigerator, you are doing a good work.
We are doing a good work.
El Roi is the God who sees.
He sees you, mama. He sees me.
Not just on Mother’s Day, every day.
May we see the One who sees us.
When Magnificence Redeems Minutia
May 3, 2017
At an ENT appointment last week, the audiologist looked at my oldest son and said – with her actual words, to his actual face – “You are the reason I didn’t have more kids. I did NOT want another boy. This – *motions to him and his 2 brothers* – is my worst nightmare.”
To which I wanted to reply, “Then you should definitely either watch Saw or read some news headlines. I guarantee there are far scarier things out there than 3 wonderful, kind, adventurous boys.”
This is a thing for us. It happens a lot. Nearly every time we go in public, actually.
People really feel the need to opine on the misery of our family of boys, nary a baby girl in sight. How stupid is that? Honestly. Get a grip, people. There is absolutely nothing about my beautiful family that requires sympathy.
My heart can only take so much of that, man. It breaks every time. Not just for my boys, but for theirs.
What a sad perspective for them; what a discouraging encounter for us.
Over Easter, I spent a lot of time reading and re-reading the gospel accounts of Jesus’ resurrection. There is so much to explore and absorb and celebrate and learn, but I kept coming back to Peter’s view of the resurrection.
Because shortly before Jesus rose from the dead for the happy ending the world was waiting for, Peter had given up hope. In Jesus’ darkest hour, Peter stood around a crackling fire and chose to abandon the very man he’d devoted his life to. He denied any knowledge of Jesus, any affiliation with his acclaimed savior. Three times he answered, “I don’t know who that man is or what you’re talking about”. (Jn 18)
When the rooster crowed, as Jesus had predicted, Peter realized the weight of what he’d done.
Can you imagine being Peter in this moment? The shame? The gut-wrenching agony of that decision? The memories playing over and over in his mind? His warming himself by the fire, smelling the burning coals. His answering the first question, then the second, then the third.
Peter chose to turn his back and – as far as he knew – he’d never get a chance to make it right. Jesus was dead and gone.
Fast forward to the empty tomb.
Jesus’ resurrection has countless layers to it. He was resurrected for creation, to redeem the earth and make all things new. He was resurrected for all of humanity, to redeem our brokenness and solidify our wildly undeserved seats in heaven.
He was also resurrected to redeem Peter. (And you. And me.)
In John 21, Jesus recreates Peter’s most painful memory. He sees Peter fishing out on the water and as he waits for him to come closer, he builds a fire. A crackling fire with burning coals.
It was around this new fire that Jesus asks Peter 3 times, “Do you truly love me?”
It was around this new fire that Peter gets a redo. As he smells the same smoke and watches the same crackling flames, he gets to answer again. 3 times.
Jesus not only redeems the world and all humanity, he redeems our shame. He redeems our entire lives, but also our single worst moment. Our greatest insecurity down to our smallest discouragement.
He redeemed the smell of a fire for goodness’ sake.
That’s how powerful the gospel story is. It is globally universal, it is also meticulously intimate.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t let comments like the audiologist’s bother me. They piss me off, quite frankly. They happen entirely too often.
Part of me wants to take to the internet and write an angry “Dear Strangers Who Say Stupid Stuff in Front of My Children” post. (I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t have such a post in my drafts folder as we speak.)
But if there’s anything the Lord is working on in me, it is controlling my tongue. And learning to take my disappointments to him first instead of a throng of available and supportive Facebook friends.
So I have. I’ve been talking to him about my discouragement a lot.
And do you know what?
God still redeems even the smallest of memories today.
Because this morning, on the heels of the terrible doctor’s experience last week, my fellas had their semi-annual dentist appointments. When the dentist walked in the room – long before she got to the actual consult portion – she looked me in the eyes and said,
“Your boys are so beautiful.”
I started to brush off the compliment with a “Well thank yo–” before she cut me off.
“No, I’m serious,” she said, unwilling to let it rest. “They are incredibly well behaved. You spend a lot of time with them, don’t you? I can tell. You’re doing an incredible job. What a beautiful family you have.”
I’ve never made out with a dentist (or a 60 year old woman, for that matter) but I strongly considered it in that moment.
It took 5 seconds for her to encourage. That encouragement will stay with me for 5 years.
God totally knew. He knew I needed that.
He can redeem our worst choices and our most painful memories.
He can also redeem a doctor’s office visit.
Our daily lives are where his magnificence intersects with his intimacy. I think if we spent more time turning to him instead of the closest supportive ear, he’d have more chances to show us.
(Also, he specifically told me to tell everyone to chill the heck out and focus on being a Refresher instead of a Drainer.)
((…………………..ok, fine. He didn’t. But we should anyway.))
Dear Tooth Fairy, I Want a Refund
April 24, 2017
If I’m blogging chronologically, I should start with the Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Let Your Kids Have Snow Cones Right Before A One Hour Night Of Worship At Church, because that was a thing last night. Suffice it to say, little boys hyped up on sugar and Red Dye #40 worship very differently than their fellow churchgoers.
Worship the Lord with karate kicks, come before him with audible toots.
In other news,
Beckett got his first ever loose tooth.
This has become The Biggest Deal in the history of deals in our home.
Being the first time loose tooth parents that we are, we tried to pull it exactly 8 hours after its wobbliness was first discovered.
That was 3 weeks ago.
It finally came out last night.
……..3 entire weeks. That’s how long it took for the tooth to be ready, in case you needed some context for how premature and ineffective our earliest tying-the-tooth-to-a-nerf-bullet-with-dental-floss attempts were.
3 weeks is also how long this tooth thing has affected our daily lives. The rules of our home have changed to accommodate his journey.
During The Biggest Deal Ever, we were instructed to:
- not look directly at the tooth.
- only serve soft foods so as not to irritate the tooth.
- overreact upon the sight of apples. (such an offensive fruit for someone in a state of dental vulnerability.)
- inform everyone of importance (grandparents, teachers, classmates, friends, neighbors, Trader Joe’s cashiers, Pastor Rick, and mailmen) of the impending loss.
But now, thankfully, we are on the other side. The tooth has officially been lost.
We. made. it.
Let me state that during this time, we have also been informed of just how generous the Tooth Fairy is these days.
Beckett: “Seth got 3 LEGO sets and Graham got $20 and Ethan got a Rolex and Christian got to meet the Preside—“
Taylor: “I used to get a quarter.”
Me: “Daddy’s Tooth Fairy apparently hasn’t heard of inflation….but, still. He brings up a good point. (Also, thanks a lot, Seth.)”
The point is: this tooth has been a thing. For weeks.
Losing a tooth is a right of passage in KidLand. Comparable only to getting a driver’s license or graduating with a medical degree in neurosurgery.
So imagine Beckett’s excitement to go to bed last night, tooth tucked safely under his pillow in a Star Wars themed ziplock.
And then imagine his excitement (!!)
when he awoke this morning (!!!)
to find (!!!!!)
in place of his first ever lost tooth (!!!!!!)
……..are you ready for this??……….
He found nothing.
Not. a. thing.
Due to an unforeseen bout of narcolepsy last night during an episode of Heartland on Netflix, this:
We forgot. Completely, totally forgot.
Slept our way through this monumental event in our firstborn’s life.
This is world’s okayest parenting at it’s finest.
But. Part of being a good parent is pivoting. Parenting is, like, 87% reactive, so good parents are good pivoters.
Which is why I pivoted by writing a note, sticking a dollar in it, shoving it really far into his pillow, and saying,
“There was nothing there?! Hmm. Are you sure? Sometimes the Tooth Fairy hides things super well. You should probably go check again.”
To which he replied, “Really?!?!” and then, before actually reading the paper – and still maintaining sky high expectations of the fairy’s generosity – held up the note and said,
“What does it say??? Maybe it’s a treasure map!!!!!”
The thing about kids is – they find magic in everything. We’re the ones that underestimate their imagination.
So it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that – even though our fairy’s budget didn’t include 7 LEGO Technic sets or a billion dollar trust fund or a treasure map,
1 single, delayed dollar bill from the Tooth Fairy
+ 7 additional dollars in a combination safe
+ 1 pair of Walmart alligator houseshoes
+ 1 trip to the boutique toy store Krô-gér
= 1 toothlessly ecstatic kid.
TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO KIDNAP HIM.
He is the absolute best.
Couple closing thoughts if you, too, are rusty on the rules of losing teeth:
1. Seeing the tiny little skull bone in your great big adult hand may cause spontaneous eye moisture.
2. The Tooth Fairy is supposed to replace the tooth with a surprise. I forgot this part, so now the Star Wars ziplock containing the tooth is taped to his wall.
This bag is to be removed when – and only when – we are looking for a way to instantly ruin his childhood.
No one said it was easy but it sure is awesome.
We love this little snaggletooth so much more than our tooth fairyness skills demonstrate.
Finding (or, rather, “Protecting”) Joy in the Little Years
April 5, 2017
This week, I get to spend time with moms of preschoolers speaking on the topic “Finding Joy in the Little Years”.
As I was preparing for the lesson, I remembered the time a while back when I had to break up with a Facebook group.
It was a group full of moms swapping parenting stories, pictures, and experiences.
When the group first started, it started out awesome – great stories of epic mom fails. Of kids being hilariously kid-like.
Over time, however, it morphed into a place to air grievances. A place to wallow on the unfairness of it all.
“Being a _______ (stay-at-home/working) mom is SO much harder than being a _______ (stay-at-home/working) mom.”
“My husband didn’t do the dishes when he came home from work. Doesn’t he know how much I have to do all day and he can’t do one load of dishes?!?”
“I deserve a vacation/back rub/spa day for completing one day – unassisted, I might add – with my children.”
I made my breakup official when the complaint posts started outweighing the encouraging ones. When the memes morphed from solidarity in motherhood to the “my kids are driving me to develop a drinking problem” variety.
Memes like this:
I love a good joke – especially a good meme. I even love an Old Vine Zinfandel.
What I don’t love are
a) jokes that even hint that my kids – my source of greatest pride – have ruined my life
b) the seeds of entitlement that get planted in my brain with those lines of thought.
She’s right. My job as a mom is infinitely harder than anyone else’s because _____ (x, y, z).
Preach, girl. My husband doesn’t help around the house as much as he should, either. I can’t believe he doesn’t appreciate me as much as I deserve.
When is someone going to notice and applaud just how much of my life I sacrifice to raise 3 miniature people every day?
Woe. is. me.
This is dangerous.
When we start viewing life through the filter of underappreciation, we buy into the lie that parenting isn’t possible without unhealthy coping skills; that we deserve things like middle-of-the-day Netflix binge watching because we just “can’t even” anymore. We need to pop the cork on the wine bottle at 3pm because it helps take the edge off. We obsess over the hardships of our lives as moms vs. our husbands’ lives as business professionals – professionals who attend “client meetings” that look a whole lot like “eating delicious food in an air-conditioned suite at a professional sporting event”…
Through these thoughts, seeds are being planted.
For you and for me.
I’ll even let you pick your seed type: bitterness? Entitlement? Victimhood? Selfishness? Pride?
Whatever the variety, it’s being planted. Our exhausted, overextended mom brains are fertile soil for things to take root.
And if we aren’t careful, these seeds grow into something nasty.
There’s a big difference in bonding over a shared experience and bonding over a shared complaint.
Social media thrives in the latter.
When we forget this…when we let our guard down…when we get sucked into the “woe is me” narrative…our joy gets thrown out faster than nice things in a house full of tiny humans. We grow bitter and ohsovery underappreciated.
Sometimes we don’t even realize it has happened.
Sometimes we get about 8 miles down the path of discontentment before we look around and realize that, somewhere along the way, all of our joy has been choked out.
Sometimes we even laugh our way down this path because those posts/memes/stories/plot lines are just so funny.
The thing about humor is that it’s sneaky.
If you wrap a story about your husband being an idiot up in a joke, it slides into my brain and takes roots easier. More subtly.
The funnier you tell a story, the more I enjoy it; the more I enjoy it, the blurrier the lines between laughing AT your kids and laughing WITH your kids get.
Humor can be a sneaky avenue for toxic seeds to be planted. Not always, but more often than we realize.
We don’t have to look very hard to find joy in the little years (or any years, really); we have to work hard to protect it.
And evaluating the thoughts we allow in is a good start.
What story is your Facebook feed telling you? Is it encouraging you, or reminding you of just how hard being a mom/wife/coworker/human is?
What are your favorite Instagram accounts saying? Do they point to truth and authenticity, or to perfectly filtered, unattainable lifestyles?
What are the conversations at your play groups/work/girls’nights like? Do you walk away more appreciative of your spouse than when you walked in? Or did you swap enough negative stories to walk out with something new to be bitter about?
If your kids read your texts about them, would they feel loved? Or would they feel the need to apologize for inconveniencing you and cramping your independence?
I am all about some good “fail” stories. I’m all about hearing stories of unnamed children doing horribly embarrassing things in public places. I’m all about laughing with my husband about the time he asked, “Why do babies need burp cloths? Aren’t burps just air?”
Let’s laugh about that, absolutely. That’s what life is about – finding joy in the messiness and absurdity of living on planet earth.
What I’m not all about, however, is letting those connections morph from shared experiences to shared complaints.
Or allowing the weariness of navigating parenthood to turn into victimhood and bitterness.
Or giving entitlement room to grow and choke out my joy.
Being a mom of tiny humans doesn’t make me some sort of sacrificial martyr. I have the honor of loving and raising 3 of the greatest masterpieces ever created.
There is so much joy in the little years that it is physically painful for my camera roll.
There is so much joy in life.
I reject this “woe is me” line of jokes you’ve got going, pop culture. You aren’t going to rob me of the joy I find in the messy, exhausting, ridiculous, awesome hard work we’re putting into building this little family.
What a beautiful life I’ve been given. As far as it is up to me, my kids and my husband will never doubt my gratitude for that.
ABC Bible Verses
March 8, 2017
Several years ago when my firstborn was 18 months old, I sat across from a mentor and asked her how to teach him about Jesus.
“Do we sit down every Tuesday for family devotions? Play sermon tapes at nap time? Lay my hands on him and pray over his diaper changes? Anoint his head with oils? Leave it up to the professional at Bible class?”
It seemed so daunting to me.
I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the answers. I’m not great with small children.
Looking back, it makes me laugh. He was so little. And I placed astronomical expectations on myself.
It’s taken me a few years to realize how much we try to over-complicate this.
Faith-filled parenting is not about a formula to success or about my kid knowing every book of the Bible by his second birthday; it is about speaking truth and teaching about Jesus throughout every day life.
Did you know that God isn’t frazzled by chaos? It’s true. He’s right there in the middle of it. Right there in the peanut-butter-coated house you and your tiny humans inhabit.
And any amount of time you devote teaching your children about Him will be blessed. It will never ever be wasted.
Don’t let intimidation deter you – just do it!
Here are some Tiny Human Faith Endeavors we’ve undertaken recently. I share them not because we’re awesome, but because we’re very not. (Which is why we need to arm our kids with God’s words instead of our own.)
Resources help me.
I hope these help you!
A few years ago, the boys and I did a Year of Fruits. Each month, we focused on a different Fruit of the Spirit. It was very unplanned with very low expectations. It was shockingly simple, yet profoundly sweet.
This past year, I upped the ante a little bit with my oldest. At the beginning of the school year, we started ABC Bible Verses.
Instead of memorizing one Bible verse per month, we memorized one per week – each verse starting with a different letter of the alphabet.
If this seems crazy, let’s refer to the fact that my boys can watch How to Train Your Dragon exactly 1 time, and spend the following week reciting every dragon species within the movie. If we can spend time filling our memory banks with names like Deadly Nadder and Hideous Zippleback, we can spend time filling it with truth from the Bible.
And, wow. I am blown away by just how much these guys have learned. (My 5 year old, specifically and especially.)
Today we finished.
26 Bible verses in 26 weeks.
And, like, the amount of pride I feel towards that child is inexplicable.
Here’s what we did:
Each week, we’d write the new verse on the chalkboard in the playroom.
And at the end of the week, we’d make a video after we’d memorized it.
Some videos were perfect, some included one brother helping the other say his verse, some included forced flatulence and hysterical laughter. (Kids, man.)
I typed up the verses we used…feel free to print and use in your own home!
(or download the PDF here.)
Honestly, we didn’t have, like, an Official Bible Memorization Hour. It was incredible how quickly he picked these up. (hello, underestimation of tiny human brains)
I recited the week’s verse when I remembered, we worked on it kinda sorta on the way to preschool, and – BAM. Memorized.
Kids are crazy spongey.
This is an endeavor I’d highly recommend.
Stay tuned for a review of our ULTRA CELEBRATION tomorrow night. We’re going to celebrate the heck out of this kid and his hard work.
3 final sidebars:
- I told Beck if he did it, I would, too. Here’s that video: https://youtu.be/2czRAQ2hpp0
- It’s incredible how much our 2-3 year old picked up just by overhearing his brother. He knows at least one word from every verse. They’re listening and learning, man. Always.
- If you’ve seen that un-be-lievably cute kid who did the same thing and ended up on the Steve Harvey show, do not watch the video above. It’ll be highly underwhelming. That kid was, like, a prodigy or something.
Hiding His word in their hearts. You can never go wrong.
Another One Bites the Dust
March 2, 2017
“HOW DO THESE THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO YOU?!
I’m being totally serious–you are a completely engaged, capable, attentive mom–and yet?!?”
– my friend Aimee. Also, probably my husband.
There’s a list of about 5 establishments our family should never enter again. Due to unforeseen bathroom emergencies, we should never again step foot inside the Kroger pharmacy, Panera Bread, King Wok II, Rosa’s Tortilla Factory, or Braum’s.
It’d been a while since we’ve disgraced ourselves publicly with a banishable offense, so we were probably due.
And so it was that yesterday, sitting across the table at Chick-fil-A from a sweet friend, engaged in a serious discussion, I saw my son standing ramrod straight in the middle of the restaurant. Frozen like a statue halfway between our table and the play area.
He was, maybe, 10 feet away, so I yelled his name and called him over to our table.
me: Hey. What’s going on? Come over here.
me: Buddy, come over here.
His posture was weird and he had this, like, shocked expression on his face.
It wasn’t until a few seconds in that I noticed something on the ground by his foot.
Something big enough to be seen from our table.
Something important enough he didn’t want to venture away from it.
Sand from the park? No, we didn’t play in sand.
A pile of hashbrowns? No, we weren’t eating breakfast.
Chocolate ice cream? No, we didn’t get ice cream.
It was then I realized.
The “something” was poop.
On the ground, in the middle of the Chick-fil-A dining area, 6 inches away from a 60 year old couple enjoying lunch, 10 feet away from me – A. HUMONGOUS. PILE. OF. POOP.
Not, like, a little bit. A lot a bit.
Have you ever made eye contact with complete strangers at a restaurant while grabbing fistfuls of human feces from the ground adjacent to their table?
Ever grabbed a wad of napkins to casually dispose of excrement before the smell affected their appetite?
It’s not an experience I’d recommend.
Like, how do you even close that conversation out? Nobody prepares you for these parenting moments.
I went with, “…aaanyway, sorry again. Enjoy your lunch!”
(It didn’t feel great. Hindsight’s 20/20 I guess.)
After taking care of the obvious offense, I carted my son to the bathroom to get cleaned up.
It was there I encountered yet another conversation I was unprepared for.
How do you make small talk with a lady washing her hands at the same time you are washing behind a naked kid’s kneecaps?
The answer is you don’t, really. You just let it go and pray her eyes can unsee that moment.
(And, to be fair, he wasn’t completely naked. He was wearing a shirt. And one sock.)
After cleaning him up the best I could, I realized I had nothing to put back on him. Not underwear, not a Pull-Up, not pants, not a loincloth. Nada.
The only thing worse than pooping IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DINING AREA would probably be toting my naked kid around, so I did what any reasonable person would do – yelled for my friend.
“THERE HAS BEEN A SITUATION. I NEED BACK UP.”
She provided a Pull-Up, I got my toddler (whom I’d completely abandoned back at the table), and we got outa dodge.
But not before I confessed our transgressions to an employee.
I felt terrible, but I also felt like Lysol bombing the floor couldn’t hurt.
“Excuse me, ma’am? I’m not really sure how to say this, but, uh, I thought my kid was potty trained and….I mean, he is mostly….but not today I guess – ha! – because, you see, he pooped on your floor.
….well, technically he didn’t poop ON your floor, more like the poop fell OUT onto your floor. From the leg of his shorts. Well, and his boxer briefs. I guess this is why you shouldn’t buy tiny boxer briefs. Cute as they are, they don’t hold stuff in, should there be an accident…knowwhatImean? Hah..ha..h…”
She did not know what I meant.
She also was highly upset by the situation.
There was no, “Oh my goodness, it would be my pleasure to help during this humiliating time.”
“Poor guy! Please have a year’s worth of free chicken sandwiches because I can tell you guys feel bad, and I’m incredibly gracious and forgiving. Plus, I know that – over the course of the past 5 years – your purchases here have singlehandedly paid my salary.”
She was straight up mad.
She got all ‘tudey and, “Well – *exaggerated huff of disgust* – are you going to show me where this happened so I can sanitize this eating establishment?”
To which I replied, “
You know, ma’am, maybe next time I’ll have him aim better. Like onto the ground right outside your car door. (Or something. Just thinking out loud here.) Yes. Right over this way.”
I know she was actually mad not just because she was fairly unkind in her response to me, but because one of my teen friends was working the drive-thru during this whole debacle. If there were any doubt, Ms. Shame-Heaper made her disgust quite well-known to the other employees after we left.
“You know your little friend? Her kid pooped on the floor.”
– her actual words
It’s unfortunate that we can never go back there again.
…but it’s super fortunate that we have about 91 other Chick-fil-As within equal distance to choose from.
If you feel like you’re bombing as a human…if you’re feeling down about your parenting skills….just consider the time this girl and her entourage dropped a turd next to a lunch date.
We will overcome. And so will you.
HOLEY EARBALLS (pt 2)
February 23, 2017
We are now one week post tube/adenoids surgery.
I don’t want to oversell the success of last week…..but I totally will for 2 reasons:
1) 4 hours post-procedure, Hutton asked for the TV to be turned down. [ D O W N ! ]
and – could it even get any better? YES –
2) he woke up from anesthesia completely potty trained.
Like….went in to surgery wearing a Pull-Up, came home requesting underwear. (To which I replied with confused upward inflection, “Um, no? You’re not even fully awake from, like, being put under and getting things shaved out of your nose and stuff?”)
But this is Hutton we’re talking about. Unique is his middle name, and his timing is always spectacularly random.
(Like the first time he tried to potty train at 17 months old, 2 weeks before Brooks bro #3 was born.
…………nah, bruh. That’s what diapers are for.)
While the timing is random, the results are concrete: 1 full week of semi-restored hearing, 1 full week of undie-coated toddler buns.
I see you, 3-Day Potty Training Boot Camp! books, and I raise you general anesthesia.
As far as the surgery itself, things couldn’t have gone better.
For starters, instead of choosing a construction or firefighter or cowboy hat at the hospital, he copied the little girl in front of him and went back wearing a “Strong and Courageous” shirt….and a pink tiara.
hello, senior slideshow.
The time from his being wheeled back to my joining him in recovery was a little over an hour, during which our family’s newest love, Dr. ENT man, came out to tell me how everything went. (Great.)
I was also able to ask a pressing question about Right Ear.
me: Earlier in the week, Hutton discovered that when he sniffs really hard, his holey ear sucks in air and makes a gross noise. And it’s now his go-to party trick/conversation starter. Is that normal? Or okay?
ent: Yes. That is…that is…that. is. AWESOME. That is a great trick. <insert laughter>
Hutton cried exactly one time during our hospital experience, and that was when he woke up from anesthesia. Not immediately after, while he was discovering his newfound toilet proficiencies, but a few minutes later when I told him we had to leave before he could consume a FIFTH popsicle.
He ate 4 in the amount of time it takes most kids to eat half of 1.
The nurses kept saying, “Wow – he’s doing great. We legally have to keep you for 30 full minutes, even though it’s only been 7 minutes and *eyes the pile of empty Pop-Ice wrappers* we can see that he’s tolerating liquids well.”
Yes, ma’am. He’s nothing if not hungry.
The only other dicey moment in recovery was when Hutton asked when he would see “his doctor man” and I realized that, as much as I had talked up getting to see him, Hutt did not actually recall spending time with him. (Sedation, and all.)
Thankfully, the doc made another round, Hutton thought he was seeing him for the first time that morning, and all was well.
He even told Hutt he could take home the mask used to put him to sleep; a new “toy” that – in addition to smelling like cherries – has been used by the brothers to put each other under pretend-anesthesia no less than 12 times this week.
We should really get out more often.
All in all, as much as we have debated and prayed about what to do with this guy’s earballs, we’re so thankful last Thursday went well. He’s hearing better, talking more clearly…it was definitely the right move.
More to come in the future, but for now, we’re ecstatic.
Taylor was gone all week on business.
He hated being away. We hated him being away.
But if he wouldn’t have been away, we wouldn’t have experienced the abundant blessings of our people.
Coming to wait with me at the hospital, taking care of our other boys so I could focus on Hutton, bringing us food, leaving balloons and presents on our doorstep…our people stepped up when we needed it, in ways we didn’t even know we needed.
We are a thankful bunch.
HOLEY EARBALLS (pt 1)
February 13, 2017
[for those who have asked, this is the scoop on hutt’s earballs. If you are not family and/or care nothing about an oddly specific, obnoxiously detailed medical history of my middle son’s middle ear, feel free to pass this post on by.]
About 18 months ago, at the beginning of the Winter Virus Season, our middle boy got an ear infection.
And then another one.
And then another one.
And on and on.
The infections clustered enough in a short enough amount of time that we were referred to a pediatric ENT to talk about putting in ear tubes.
Super simple procedure; very common in small kids.
So we did it.
The surgery was so fast, I was still arranging my purse and coat into the seat next to me in the waiting room when they called us back.
“Parents of Hutton? He’s ready for you.”
“…really? Because I literally just sat down. And I was about to have an intimate moment with that vending machine Reese’s cup. So…”
“He did great!” the doctor said. “We’ll see you back 6 weeks post-op to make sure everything is healing; otherwise, he’s good to go.”
We saw him less than 2 weeks later, because Hutton’s ears were already goopy and disgusting again. Diagnosis: ear infection #6.
And then 4 weeks later, at the originally scheduled follow up visit. Diagnosis: ear infection #7.
It seems like most kids see their ENT’s exactly 3 times: once at the consultation, once at the surgery center, and once at the post-op visit.
Tubes go in, infections stop. Or so I hear.
Hutton’s continued. On and on and on.
We finally got him through last winter, had a 2-3 month infection reprieve, and then summer happened.
And over the summer, he got The Mega Infection.
The one that couldn’t be cleared after 4 rounds of antibiotics. The one where sewer slime oozed out of his ear for an entire month. The one where our pediatrician conferred with an infectious disease doctor about “what type of infection this could possibly be to be resisting all the medication”.
We ran cultures, we switched meds, we sighed heavily.
Finally, at some point, the infection was cleared.
Clearing it was a big enough deal, we threw an Ear Party to celebrate.
No more infection? EAR PANCAKES FOR ALL!
But then we went to the ENT for a follow up to the follow up of the follow-up Follow Up.
We learned that during the course of The Mega Infection, the tubes and fallen out.
“The tubes have come out, and one ear looks great,” our ENT said. “The other eardrum, however, was ruptured. The perforation is slightly bigger than the tube was, so we’ll just monitor that until it closes up. In the meantime, keep that ear completely dry. (oh, and here’s an earplug. Trying to keep this in your 2 year old’s ear is a complete joke that will make you want to bang your head against a wall.) Good luck!”
Our next follow up appointment was 6 months later. By some miracle, we made it all 6 months without another infection.
We did, however, notice a change in hearing and language during those months.
And by “change”, I mean every other word that came out of Hutton’s mouth was “WHAT?” or “TALK YOUDER” or “TURN IT UP”.
Sure enough, the audiologist confirmed hearing loss at his follow up in December. Not severe, but certainly noticeable.
When the ENT examined him, he said, “Well, we have a few things going on. The first being that the hole in his ear drum has grown a little bit, which explains his hearing loss.”
me: “Grown? Is it supposed to do that?”
him: “Not really. It used to be maybe 40% of his eardrum; now it’s more like 50+%.”
me: “Haha! For a second I thought you said FIFTY percent. 5-0. Like, half his ear drum.”
him: “I did.”
me: “Oh. Um. And we aren’t sure why it’s grown? That seems like a large hole. Is that a large hole?”
him: “It is sizable.”
me: “Like how sizable?”
him: “Well, for reference, ear tubes are 2% of the ear drum.”
me: “And now he’s at 50+%? So…from 2%, to 40%, to 50%.”
him: “That is correct.”
me: “This seems like an issue.”
him: “Yes, it will have to be repaired at some point. Probably when he’s around 6. We’ll just keep it completely dry until then.”
me: “Mmmm. Yes. 3 more years of those cool, super effective ear plugs. No problem at all.”
So not only did the perforation grow substantially (?!), his left ear has significant amount of fluid on it – again – which explains why he can’t hear a dang thing.
Our ENT wanted to immediately jump back into another tube.
I, on the other hand, wanted to find the root cause of all the fluid so we didn’t…I don’t know….end up with, like, 2 broken eardrums that needed to stay dry.
He was uninterested in my hesitation.
I was uninterested in him and found a different ENT.
First things out of new guy’s mouth: “Wow, that’s a big hole. And his hearing is pretty terrible from the combination of the hole and the fluid build up, but before we jump to another tube, let’s try to address the underlying issue.”
s l o w c l a p for our new ENT. I love him s’much.
He thinks Hutton might still have reflux – an odd but reasonable assumption, seeing as Hutton has no other glaring food or environmental allergies and we’ve explored every other option – and even suggested we visit a pediatric gastroenterologist. (We did; it was unhelpful.)
To drain the fluid on Left Ear, we’ve tried:
- a chiropractor who, as precious as she is, adjusted him a few times before saying, “I think the fluid is gone!” (It wasn’t. At all.)
- allergy meds
- reflux meds
- snake oils
- wishful thinking
…to no avail. Not only is the fluid not draining, it is perpetually infected.
So, tube #2 it is.
One tube and one adenoid(s?) removal.
Long, long, long story summarized: the holey eardrum will have to be completely reconstructed in the future, and the other ear will have to stay clear and fluid-free if he has any hope of hearing and speaking clearly and at a normal volume for the next few years. (Which, currently, DOES NOT HAPPEN EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS DISTORTED AND/OR AT AN ELEVATED VOLUME.)
(The excessive volume is kind of a funny trait until you go to the public library. Librarian #2 was wholly unimpressed with our presence the last Monday.)
When I tell this whole saga from the perspective of a year and a half in, it’s doesn’t feel like a big deal. Probably because it’s not, really. It’s kid stuff that we won’t even have to think about in a few short years.
Before now, though, it’s been exhausting.
We’d think we were in the clear, only to find a new complication. In the clear again, new complication. Repeat.
One infection, one appointment at a time.
Even though we know his overall health is fantastic, and even though we know he could be dealing with actual life-threatening issues, and even though we know this is a blip on the radar, the middle portion has been wearisome.
We’re very ready for Thursday. We’re praying his hearing improves dramatically, and we’re praying taking the adenoid tissue out will keep his ears free of infection.
We’re hoping Left Ear pulls its crap together so Right Ear can be the only high maintenance one.
Feel free to pray with us.
We’ll keep you posted.
And, to thank you in advance for your prayers, here is our main man reading the title of this blog.
Calling all Foodies!
February 9, 2017
For as long as I’ve known Hutton Brooks (3 years and 9 days), I’ve wanted to throw him a food-themed birthday party.
Food is his #1 love language.
That said, I’ve also felt like our window of time for such a theme was running out.
I mean…at some point, constant eating becomes, like, a self-control issue or something.
A 36 year old sprinting to the kitchen at the mention of chicken nuggets? Not cute.
A 3 year old? Totally hilarious. And totally still fair game for a birthday theme.
What started with this invitation:
(yes. Genius, I know.)
morphed into a “foodie” theme.
Specifically, a Central Market foodie theme.
Central Market, aka Heaven on Earth, is a grocery store here in Texas that sells “high-quality, hard-to-find gourmet foods”.
Their produce section is so immaculate, you find yourself saying things like, “Have you ever seen such beautiful cauliflower? I’d marry that asparagus in a heartbeat.”
Mostly, though, we went with a Central Market theme because their tagline is “REALLY INTO FOOD“.
And that perfectly describes our favorite foodie, Hutton.
In fact, this was our conversation about his birthday:
me: What kind of food do you want to eat at your party?
me: Ok. What else?
him: Hot dogs.
me: Ok. What else?
him: More hot dogs.
We finally landed on a few more buffet choices, pulled everything together, and had the greatest foodie birthday of his 3 year old life.
[fair warning: pics aren’t the best quality, but you get the gist.]
Hutton’s favorite part of the party was either the Candy Land bounce house or the unsupervised, unlimited popcorn consumption.
Mine was a toss-up between the food our friends brought or the food our friends took home.
The thing about having 3 boys so close together is that they like the same toys. And share the same toys.
Ergo, we are drowning in toys.
So nearly every birthday, we offer an alternative to presents. This year, it was this:
which led to this:
The food our friends brought was the greatest gift to us.
The food they took home was the greatest gift to the party theme.
Because, you see, Walmart has a few items of importance for a foodie birthday:
- 100 paper lunch sacks for $1.96.
- A 101-piece pretend food set for $9.96.
combine the two and you have GROCERY SHOPPING PARTY FAVORS.
The kids were instructed to grab a bag, get some groceries, and cook up some meals at home for their fam.
Some kids picked out 13 items, some 2.
Ask my friends how much they loved going home (and keeping up) with one can of tuna and a single piece of lettuce. Unconditionally, I’m sure.
I love me a good party theme, and this one did not disappoint.
Not because the grocery bags I crafted made me squeal with delight. Not because Hutton’s new chef hat and apron are hilarious.
No; it didn’t disappoint, because celebrating Hutton is our favorite.
And bringing a smile to his face by putting 15 of his favorite eats on a table for 15 of his besties to enjoy with him?
That, you guys, is totally worth the amount of time it took to clean the floors, tables, and walls after a gaggle of 3 year olds were a) armed with plates full of macaroni and cheese /frosted cupcakes and b) unleashed in our home.
Totally. worth. it.
UPDATE: I totally forgot to add my FAVORITE favorite part, and that was after the party as my mom helped me put my house back together, completely oblivious to the fact that my brother safety-pinned a balloon to her vest.
20 minutes it lasted. 20 full minutes of a balloon shadow.
It was incredible.