Category: fail

Dear Tooth Fairy, I Want a Refund

If I’m blogging chronologically, I should start with the Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Let Your Kids Have Snow Cones Right Before A One Hour Night Of Worship At Church, because that was a thing last night. Suffice it to say, little boys hyped up on sugar and Red Dye #40 worship very differently than their fellow churchgoers. […]

Continue Reading

Attention Deficit Mom Disorder

Yesterday I did that thing where I put a kid in time out, forgot I put him in time out, and stumbled across him much, much later. He was all, “Mommy, can I come out now?” I replied with, “Have you had enough time to think about what you did?” (Also, could you be a dear and remind […]

Continue Reading

Attempted Murder of a Matchmaker

Sunday night I went upstairs to pull a “Love You Forever” after the boys were in bed. Instead of climbing a ladder and breaking into their window like a freak (how did that seem so normal reading it as a kid?), I opted for the stairs. As I reached the top landing, a blast of heat hit […]

Continue Reading

The Stall: a Collection of Horror Stories from Public Bathrooms

If you wonder what being a parent is like, gather up as many hyper, destructive humans as you can and bring them in one tiny bathroom stall as you pee. Have them ask questions as loudly as possible such as “ARE YOU GOING POOP?” “WHAT’S THAT SMELL?” “DID SHE JUST TOOT?” while you quietly whisper “don’t […]

Continue Reading

Stroller Splat

During a recent catching-up-on-life conversation, a friend of mine said, “I know it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, but from what I see on Facebook things are going well. You look like you’ve always got it together!” Hold up. Wait a minute. If that is the impression I have given at any moment […]

Continue Reading

Turning Over a New {Palm} Leaf

At lunch with my dear friend Amanda today, I had to choose between wiping poop off my forearm or vomit out of my hair first after a dual eruption from the wee one. Just livin’ the life, you guys. Livin’ the life. Really though, I’ve already hit rock bottom this week, so I’m hardly even […]

Continue Reading

Moving Day’s Eve

Moving day 1999: My family was moving from Nebraska to Tennessee and, on the day we were to depart, my oldest and favorite chinchilla decided to bite the dust. (More like he was nibbling the dust and the moving truck driver had to take him out back and finalize the process.) 1. Yes, I had […]

Continue Reading

Broccoli Butt & Advent

Broccoli Butt Every time I pick Beckett up from the nursery at church, I overhear the ladies saying to other moms, “She ate some of the sauteed carrots and most of the kale.” or “He ate all of the zucchini and quinoa!” as I grab my son and his diaper bag that never contain the […]

Continue Reading

Rangers Game & Antfest

For Father’s Day, we scored some tickets to a Rangers game (we love you, Marla). It was Beckett’s first game and Taylor was beside himself with excitement – which, if you know Taylor, means that he smiled only slightly more than usual. He’s not quite as expressive as me. Or our son, we’re beginning to […]

Continue Reading

Apoocalypse, Huh?, & Suckers

Warning: this story is not for the faint of heart. It is, however, for anyone with any prior experience with baby poosplosions. If you a) are proper or b) do not fall into the latter category, you should leave now and go read the post about The Little Things instead.  Apoocalypse I actually have a […]

Continue Reading