Hospital Deliveries 101, Pediatric Poo, Chronicles of the Sleep Deprived

We’re closing in on week 2 with baby B. JoJo/Momma Ned/Sparkita/Grandma-name-TBD left Friday morning, and we have survived on our own for the past 49 hours. Should be a breeze from here…

Much like the Pregnancy 101 post, there is a lot of stuff people don’t tell you when it comes to birthing a child. I’m apparently a big fan of lists, since they appear in all of my posts. Here’s another, regarding surprises surrounding delivery and our hospital stay.

Hospital Deliveries 101
  • Calm Staff. When you go to check in at the hospital, it’s the calmest environment in the world. Everything portrayed in the movies is frantic, so that’s what we both expected. Au contraire. Everyone was very calm and collected, even demanding we fill out paperwork during death contractions. Very surprising to us both.
  • Immediate Parenting. Were you aware that mere hours after having your baby, the hospital staff leave you in a 68 degree “recovery” room with this little person? No crash course, no helpful hints, no CPR lessons…just you, your significant other, and a 2-hour old baby. I don’t really know how else I thought it would play out, but I do know that I was legitimately concerned that the hospital thought I was responsible for this child. The first time he really started wailing and Taylor was soundly sleeping, I thought I was going to have a panic attack.
  • After-baby Baby. They don’t play around when they say you still look about 6 months pregnant after you give birth. That’s all.
  • Feeding Newborns is not near as intuitive as everyone makes it out to be. There are “lactivists” who claim breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and, if the latch is correct, it won’t ever hurt. Um, false. It’s a wonder my feeding equipment doesn’t pop off and hide when it sees Beckett coming. It was also a complete surprise to me that the nurses would come in and say, “Has he been eating?” as if Beckett and I were both pros in how this all went down. It wasn’t until the second day in the hospital that someone finally took time to show us both how the heck this was supposed to work.
  • Inability to remember…well, anything. Seriously. It’s kind of like your wedding day. You know it was special, the pictures are great, tons of people came to support you, but you hardly remember a thing. The hospital waits until you spend 18 hours in labor, drugs you up, then makes you fill out really important paperwork, like your child’s birth certificate information. It doesn’t matter if you’re the least bit coherent, they need signatures. If you were one of the precious friends who came to the hospital, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now, if you don’t mind, could you refresh my memory on any conversations we may have had?

Pediatric Poo
We had our first visit to the pediatrician on Monday. Beckett was already 4oz over his birth weight which is miraculous, considering how traumatic his first week on earth was. I fear he is going to be a chunker.

While we were waiting for the doctor to come in, Mom noticed he had a dirty diaper. In the midst of his diaper change, Beckett decided he wasn’t done pooing. Every time Mom took the wipe off of his butt, mustardy poo came flying out at full speed. Every time Mom slapped the wipe back on, mustardy poo went flying everywhere. This happened 3 times.

By the time the pediatrician came in, B had successfully sprayed poo on the table, a blanket, his fresh diaper…and probably the wall. We were doubled over laughing like schoolgirls when she came in. She handed us a towel and said, “Well, at least we know everything works!” Of course this happens to us.

Chronicles of the Sleep Deprived
This could be a whole book. Surprisingly, we have gotten more sleep since Beckett has been home than when he was in the NICU and we were going to visit him in our hazmat uniforms. Still, we are pretty tired. Well, I am. Taylor has a sleep disorder, and by “disorder” I mean he can sleep through a screaming baby and my yelling his name 10 times…all up until I finally shove him awake.

Taylor’s always been a hard sleeper which inevitably leads to sleep talking. These days, he is on a whole new level of conversation (and actions). Here are some of my favorites the past week:

  • “What is his income?” (in regards to our week-old son)
  • Ripping the sheets off of me, demanding I give up Beckett’s hiding place. He apparently thought I had smuggled Beckett into bed and was hiding him under the covers. After a thorough search, he realized Beckett was asleep in his crib.
  • When mom woke me up for a convenient 2am feeding, Taylor immediately sat up and began grabbing me in inappropriate places. I say inappropriate because friskiness is generally frowned upon a) 2 weeks after childbirth and b) while a mother-in-law is in the room.
  • Since Taylor is such a good dad, he sweetly reached over me in bed and began to stroke Beckett’s cute blonde hair. The only minor problem: Beckett was, yet again, soundly asleep in his crib.

I hate for this blog to be one-dimensional, but when you have a baby as cute as mine who does funny things like poop everywhere during his first venture to the doctor, or a husband who inquires about a baby’s income, possibly in an attempt to make the baby earn his keep, you’re forced to blog about it.

If it gets to the point where I’m blogging solely about where to buy the best oranges to make orange slices for the upcoming soccer game, please intervene. In the meantime, enjoy our classy fellow.

This is sure to make the ladies swoon:

Or they may be into more of the bad-boy, mohawky fellow. Note: his hand is not as huge as it appears in this picture.

Everyone loves a momma’s boy…even though he’s probably looking at daddy in this picture. I’ve got time to sway him.


And then there are pictures that really make us giggle:

At the NICU where he absolutely could not stay awake, not matter what position he was in.

And this – as it turns out, this is the face he makes when he poops:

We’re still working on a cute car seat face…the current grumpy-frog style will probably not have all the ladies lining up, but it makes me smile.

That’s all for now. Until next time…

    One thought on “Hospital Deliveries 101, Pediatric Poo, Chronicles of the Sleep Deprived

    1. Ryan Steyn

      Love it =) Makes me remember all the fun and games we had in the hospital figuring out how to cope with my three. Two of them came at the same time. What an amazing ride. Not all that different to yours, actually. Good luck with him. You’ll find all kinds of lessons about God cleverly hidden in his upbringing. I’m still in awe of how wonderfully made my children are. And I only had a small (but entirely significant) part to play in it…


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